A Healer's Perspective
In the period of Maturing, or the feminine Queenly stage, my children are raised, I am in a position to make a contribution to society, my spiritual quest continues, and I am a potential agent of change. Having time to focus even more intently on personal growth is common in this Age. The external disjuncture of the completion of parenting and living alone for the first time in my life, along with the drive for deepening self awareness and professional development are the crux of my current spiritual emergence.
Recently, I had a client interaction that makes me curious about the unconscious material in me. I was working on a 16 year old who has recently come off medication after several years of depressive, suicidal and self-mutilating behavior. Her counselor and psychiatrist are suggesting she go on a new medication for ADHD as she complains of difficulty in focusing and significant fatigue. While working with her field of consciousness, I got so tired and foggy in my head that I nearly fell asleep. This has happened a couple of other times, so I spoke with my supervisor about it. My sense is that the emotions around the wounds of her childhood are being suppressed; this repression takes enormous amount energy, creating a blanket type effect in the brain and limbic system that impedes clarity and causes fatigue.
When I meet her frequency with my consciousness, there is a numbing, a lethargy; it is deep seated in the brain and overpowering. The vibration of this numbing is actually very high and permeates my field when I tune in to her symptoms. Without awareness of my own inability to feel, I fall asleep. But knowing that there is a place in me that is also numb, allows me to increase my frequency, I can avoid getting drawn into her darkness and instead, pray for grace. Darkness does not want to succumb to the light and will draw the unsuspecting in with it's powerful delusion of separation. If the client's darkness resonates with my own, it will want to fool me and bring me into the numbness. People believe they are totally alone in their despair. To be of service, a healer must be able to travel in the terrain of the darkness with sufficient familiarity of their own in order to break the isolation which is evidenced in the vibrational frequency and thought forms of their patient.
When I was a young child I had experiences that were expansive and loving while frightening at the same time. When I remembered what happened as an adult, I thought there must have been some sort of amnesiac created by the endocrine system to keep the memories censored in order to bypass the enormity of emotion that accompanied them. As a young adult I slept for several weeks after a bad car accident. There is no memory of the impact or the pain sustained in the crash or the operations. Again, there was amnesia of physical, emotional, mental and spiritual sensations. With this amnesia, there is an irresistible feeling of isolation, yet I was being lovingly cared for by many.
From the time I was a young child this sense of loneliness has been with me. I have felt different than, apart from and now I can label the amnesia. As human beings, we are wired for love. Regardless of the negative attachments to love, we search for and feel love. Love, for me, is connected to this feeling of loneliness. If I give up my feeling of being alone, which is attached to love, then I am convinced I will be even more vulnerable and unloved. This makes it difficult to maintain intimate relationship. There is a negative love bond associated with our early traumas. The delusion is that if I give up the negative love bond, I will experience pain, will not know my identity or will cease to exist. The fear is of experiencing the trauma that has already happened. In this case, feeling love and loneliness simultaneously.
Experiences leave imprints that lead us to believe in a faulty association. We have been confused, and begin to believe that love and pain must go together. These deeply seated influences are not easy to give up. But, under the imprints, we do know love. We are not separate from one another, from ourselves or from the Divine. I am hopeful that working with this young client, the numbness will lessen as I am able to meet her energetically in her protective state, the ADHD will decrease without medication and her vitality will return. I am also hopeful that as I recognize my negative attachment to being alone, I will be able to invite intimacy into my life. I ask the assistance of grace, guides, healers, colleagues and friends to dismantle the impressions that keep me feeling alone.
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